What Not to Say to a Pregnant Woman

Being 7 months pregnant, I consider myself somewhat “seasoned” in terms of some of the dumb shit people say to pregnant women. Here’s my list, of things people have really, actually said to me.

1. “You don’t even look old enough to have a baby.” Thanks for thinking I’m 15 years old and got a broken-condom surprise.

2. “You’re getting huge!” And taking it a step further saying “Dude, your wife is HUUGE!” while motioning a HUUGE belly and puffing out your cheeks is just…goodness, don’t even getting me started. I only gained 9 pounds at that point. If you’re going to call a pregnant lady huge, at least…never mind, just don’t do it, it’s not a good idea. There are plenty of other things to say instead like – “You’re a beautiful pregnant woman!” And just stop there.

3. “Moooo.” – As I walk by you, in my frumpy work clothes. (Yep, I heard you, douchebag.) This is actually the one that inspired this post. Yes, I’m aware I have a belly. However, I’m hardly a cow. I’m carrying a child, douche. You should probably enlighten yourself instead of getting drunk every chance you can and (SURPRISE) getting discharged from the military. You can call me a cow all you want, at least I’ll have a job in a few months. And a beautiful baby calf.

4. “Oh, you’re pregnant?! I thought you were just, you know, packin’ on the pounds.” Shoulda kept that thought inside your head instead of sharing it with me. As if I wasn’t already worried about the idea of people thinking I was scarfing down the ice cream instead of creating a baby. You confirmed it, thanks.

5. “Oh you’re not going to ____? You really should.” Insert any word/phrase there, including breastfeed, stay at home, go back to work, circumcise, vaccinate…the list goes on. Pregnant women are already moms, and everyone in the world knows how much parents hate being told how to be a (in your opinion) “better” parent. Let us figure out what is best for us and our child.

6. “Ugh, you’re so lucky! …” When talking to a woman who is 6+ weeks (give or take) farther along than you, don’t tell her how easy she has it if she doesn’t have -insert pregnancy symptom here-. Nope, I don’t have much morning sickness anymore. Instead, I could rattle off about 10 other symptoms I suffer from, but that’s just annoying. Just because I chose not to give you a detailed list of everything doesn’t mean you have it so much easier. It probably sucks for the both of us – I just don’t bitch and complain all the time.

7. “Are you seriously bringing another human being into this world?” Um, yup. What kind of question is that? From a total stranger? That’s all I have to say here.

8. “Is that what you’re eating? You should have ____ instead.” I’m sure you were just the most prefect-est pregnant woman in the whole wide world. Congratulations. I’d offer you a cookie but I probably ate it.

9. “You’re glowing!” Are you fucking kidding? Do you see my insanely disgusting forehead acne? You’re clearly blinded by the sweat glistening off my face from the hot flash I’m having. There’s a difference between polite flattery and blatant lying. I have never met a woman who raved on and on about her glowing skin during pregnancy. Anyone? Anyone?!?

10. “Oh just wait until the baby is actually here, it’ll be so much harder/worse/etc.” Shut. Up. I love you and respect you, all you moms, but the last thing a pregnant woman wants to hear is how she is going to go through 9 months of baby-creating to have it be worse. Come on. You remember being pregnant, right? I really hate how women always seem have their own pissing contest. Or, fallopian tube contest? Is there a female version? I don’t know.

There you have it. My own personal list of ignorant comments I have received in my 7 months of pregnancy. I work around too many intelligent people on a daily basis.

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